Burning Out From The Pandemic

Profession: Physician

Submitted On: September 18th, 2020

Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, depression

"I’m a psychiatry resident who volunteered for the COVID-19 ward in my hospital earlier this year. While the curve is currently much lower in my location, there was a huge influx of patients back during the peak months of early summer, requiring all hands on deck including residents.

It’s an interesting time to be a resident, since a lot of residents I worked with were redeployed from their specialties ranging from OBGYN to plastic surgery. Because I just finished my intern year, I was already used to the off-rotations in ICUs and medical wards. But it is definitely a huge mental challenge for those who had already become used to practicing within their specialty. Another difficult thing to come to terms with is family approval. I don’t live with my family, so there’s no risk in spreading it to them if I get sick, but they’ve always been a big part in any decisions I make in life. My parents weren’t too thrilled, since it definitely was not what I initially signed up for when picking psychiatry as my chosen field, but they ultimately understood why I felt the urge to contribute. They still called me every morning unfailingly to check up on me though, and I felt extremely guilty placing them in a helpless position. I know many of my colleagues struggled to come to terms with this, unable to answer whether they would be willing to risk their and their families lives and mental peace. They aren't any less of a doctor, though.

There are so many thoughts that run through your mind while working in a COVID floor. I definitely felt burned out at times because of it. In the foremost of everyone’s thoughts, of course, is the fear. They try to ease you in with orientation/shadowing days in the beginning. It gets real the first time you are standing within arms reach of a patient who is fighting for their lives with every breath. It gets even more real when an experienced EM resident who seemed like they knew what they were doing gets sick. Cue the imposters syndrome for the rest of us. Doffing the PPE probably took 10 minutes every single time since we were all trying to be extra careful not to accidentally expose ourselves. The chronic stress of wondering when it’s finally going to get you can definitely be debilitating, and yet you still get up every day to do your job.

You’re also seeing the fragility of human life at every turn. People dying alone with no one at their bedside. Young patients with their whole lives ahead of them being intubated. But what’s even more frustrating is how politicized this virus has become. You feel like not everyone in the society that you signed up to help is helping themselves. Those that refuse to take measures and wear masks should be required to tour a ward to see the suffering.

COVID-19 has been on everyone’s minds and it’s clear the psychological effects will continue for many years. We probably won’t know how many would be affected until after this crisis, but there are concerns of PTSD and anxiety in thousands of healthcare workers who are exposed to chronic psychological stress and ample amounts of death and dying, which are things you really only get to see in a battlefield environment.

And so you’ll probably find me on the front lines of the aftermath as a psychiatrist."

We appreciate the opportunity to share stories like these with our community, with the goal of destigmatizing the struggles faced within the medical field.